Finding Freedom From Fixtures

After recently taking a workshop with Marylee Fairbanks (http://maryleefairbanks.com/) I have decided to begin my own "24 Things" challenge (http://maryleefairbanks.com/24-things/). The rules are simple: each day for 24 days you let go of something that has been cluttering up your house, something that no longer serves you, objects that will be better suited at a yard sale, donation box, or in a trash barrel. During the 24 day release, one should only purchase necessities-- food, medical care, etc. All other material desires should be added to an ongoing list. If you are able to remember the items on your list at the end of the 24 days, then you are free to purchase them, otherwise they are likely to have been unimportant. According to Marylee, "The clutter in our house reflects the clutter in our hearts." Are we clinging to mementos of past relationships? Unwanted gifts that we were too polite to turn away? Clothes that haven't fit for years? Objects that no longer reflect who we are currently in this ever-changing body and mind of ours? Are the things we surround ourselves with keeping us rooted in the past, preventing us from blossoming into the future? In order to invite abundance into our lives, we must eliminate the unnecessary clutter that surrounds us.

Although Marylee recommends four cycles, corresponding to the four seasons, of 24 Things each year, the timing of her most recent workshop and the significance of this period in my own life could not have been better. I will be beginning my solitary 24 Things today, April 29th exactly one year after my (ex) husband told me he was moving out. In exactly 24 days I will turn 28 years old. I cannot think of a better way to mark the end of a year of transformation and to usher in another year of abundance, love, and gratitude for this life that constantly challenges and inspires me.

"One good thing to remember when clearing out is this: If you have an object that makes the past feel more important than the future then you should let it go. The past is gone. Your present is all that need be nourished." ~Marylee Fairbanks

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Day 54: Unsuccessful Sleep Patterns

From a young age, I learned to recognize when I was dreaming while still asleep. I remember once having a nightmare and noticing something about it wasn't consistent with reality-- something in the location, the people, the occurrences, stood out to me. I was five or six at the time and being chased by a large yellow monster who I referred to as the "cellar monster" since the dark and unsteady basement steps of my parents' house were the first dream world where he appeared. He was chasing me through the funeral home parking lot where my mother would leave her car to pick me up from kindergarten. I stopped running, turned to look him in the eyes, and when he was feet from my face I consciously brought my index fingers and thumbs to my eyelids and lifted them so that I was no longer gazing at his hairy face but at my cracked bedroom ceiling. From then on I was always able to wake myself up when dreams became too unbearable.

For a while, I started to control my dreams. When my fiance was stationed in Germany and Iraq I would conjure him into my dreams so that we could be together. I looked forward to seeing him every night in my sleep. I couldn't always change the location, but he was sure to show up if I just imagined him present.

Working full-time and taking more than the recommended amount of college courses each semester wore me out and I soon stopped wanting to dream. I hadn't yet found stillness in yoga or meditation and sleep was the only time I could shut my mind off and finally rest.  I went through a period of time where I wouldn't dream at all.

After my fiance returned from Iraq and just before our marriage, I started having nightmares that he was having an affair. They went on for months, even after the wedding when he returned to Germany. I didn't tell him at first, but they became so persistent, so troublesome that I finally confessed to him that these dreams that I could no longer control were causing me to begin each morning in a panic that carried over through the rest of my day. He assured me that they were just dreams and that I had nothing to worry about. Although they became less consistent, they never stopped haunting me.

When I found out about his first affair six months after our wedding the nightmares returned at an even greater intensity and there was nothing he could do or say to soothe the wound he'd opened wide. What he referred to as issues with trust I called intuition and my fears were confirmed when his lies surfaced toward the end of our relationship.

Over the past year after he left, I had become a passive participant in my dreams. I no longer cared to control them, and didn't bother to trace back my unconscious conjuring to what happened throughout my day.

During one of the final weekends of yoga teacher training, an Ayurveda specialist came to discuss the ancient system of Indian health and healing. One thing that stayed with me was how different hours of the day correspond to the three major doshas. She explained that the hours of 2-6 AM were Vata dominant and the best time for spiritual practices. Beginning at 6 AM, or at sunrise depending on the season, heavy Kapha sets in until 10AM. Waking up during Kapha hours can make us feel more sluggish than waking up earlier.  Immediately after the class I vowed to listen to my first of three alarms and get out of bed before Kapha could set in. My resolve worked for a while, but eventually I let my sleep hungry mind talk me into staying in bed long past my third alarm.

A month ago today something happened that triggered a part of me from the past that I haven't been able to let go of. I have been having violent nightmares, all of which I wake myself up from only to fall back to sleep into another round of horror. I wake up feeling anxious and unsettled.  This morning, I woke up very suddenly from a dreamless sleep just before 6 AM. I felt refreshed and ready to begin my day. When I rolled over to look at my clock and saw that it was 5:55, I thought it was too early to get up on my second Saturday of summer vacation and went back to sleep.

From 6 AM until 8 AM I woke myself up, panting for air from the worst nightmares I've had all month. Each time, I fell back to sleep against my will. At 8 AM I felt like I hadn't slept all night and was far from the calm, refreshed pre-six-o'clock feeling I'd had earlier. I felt my heavy eyelids closing again and forced myself up, fearing another round of nightmares.

I don't think it was at all coincidental that I woke up naturally before six this morning, or that when I forced myself to go back to sleep I had terrible dreams that haunted me throughout my day. When tragedy rattles our existence it is easy to lose sight of or push away the things that we need to nurture us. It is in these times of change, however, that we should cling to what we know to be good or helpful despite how we may feel we don't deserve them or think they won't help, or when we just don't have the strength to take care of ourselves. A well-known yogi once said that when we teach we say the things we need to hear ourselves, the things we know to be true in our hearts. I write so that I can let go of the ego-fulfilling emotions that are keeping me from hearing the sound of my own voice.
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